I am guilty of feeling happy now. really.

 虽然多么不想，不情愿， 我却在朋友面前像小丑一样笑。

我渐渐开始没那么难过，这是好事吧。可我并不想忘记这一切。

我实在很窝囊，连阿嬷的照片我都不敢看。深怕回忆又会让我陷回难过的斡旋中。


我阿嬷真的很疼我们。
出殡时，天气转阴，使我们子孙一路上一点都不辛苦。我和弟弟按照习俗帮阿嬷抬
轿子，有点重，但算轻松。乐队在我背后激情地弹奏一首有一首扣人心弦的曲子。
我尽可能地随唱，唱给她听。整个仪式完闭后，待我们回到家时才下起大雨.

 我阿嬷真的很疼我们。

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okie. I am not okie.
I thought I was.


i dreaded ppl questioning bout my trip back singapore.
i wished they won't ask me bout my ahma.
thus, i don't feel like socialising at all now.

even wedding photos on facebook become unbearable. cox, my ahma will never attend mine

i dun dare to wish and give future thoughts

i always dream of bringing my hubby-to-be home, to hold our wedding back in perak.
bring pride and happiness to my ahma.
but this will never happen.

and when i know of my ahma illness, i told myself to go bakc during october holiday, so tat i can give some tcm advices perhaps to lessen her pain
but she can't wait till then.

i dare not dream anymore.



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I didn't make it in time to see my grandma.
now the biggest regret in my life.
if only i managed to buy the cathay air tickets,
if only we didn't take such a long break along the highway,
if only there's no traffic jam along the way.
my ahma could have been able to wait for us and see us.
i broke down when uncle called daddy and told us that she's gone.
couldn't believe it at first, hoping that it was just a joke played by my uncle.

so ended up staying in malaysia for a good whole week for her funeral.
it was a five days ritual, to wait for my uncle and brother.
she died in her sleep we guess. no one was by her death bed.
it was only 2 months ago, she was diagnosed with terminal stage cancer.
and i rushed home cause i dun want to only see her when she's dead.
but i never make it.
she only know of her illness one day before she passed away, so some speculate that she's gone because she's unable to take the news.
and maybe she know how terrible this illness can get, so she left.
or maybe she don't want us to see how horrible she looked when she's sick, so she left.

but she looked so pretty in the coffin. even without much make up. really.
almost everyone who came and saw her, praised of her look.
she's really peaceful.

but it still hurt so much when i walked past her during the five days.
she's no longer around in the house.
she used to wake up at 5 to clean the house and get ready our breakfast.
she used to sit at her fav spot in the living room and watch her tv.
and she used to stand by the door and waved goodbyes.

ahma, i missed you.
i hope you are doing good with ahgong in the heaven.
please be happy there...



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Labels: makan, 汉拿沙

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Labels: makan, orchard 7

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my seafood soup, which is pretty normal i would say

 some of the other dishes ordered by my friends

Labels: Saveurs de coree, 南锣鼓巷

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oh yes, is already august. beloved brother birthday.
my wish for him: not to get despo and get a gf soon, and hope he dun grow bigger too fast :P

if nothing goes wrong, i will be going back during october.
simply can't wait. kinda foolish not to go travel in china and choose to go back my sunny island for just one week.
but then, ever since the illness, i guess i am really home sick ):

anw, internship has been really slack.
most of the days i only go for the morning session and then i would slacked my whole afternoon away doing my anni present+ catching olympics.
next week i will be going to the cardio department, heard it will still be quite relaxing.
kinda sad that i din learn much over the month cause  i really wants to focus on paediatrics.

):

and oh, is the convocation week (:
very happy and at the same time a bit jealous to see my friends' photos flooding my fb newsfeed.
I know it will be my turn next year, but ONLY next year ):

mummy sort of hinted me to BTO.
iyo, i think i still not ready for such topic.
very very paiseh, changed topic liked almost immediately.
tooooo poor yet for a house. ):

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